Attitude

"You have an attitude."

A friend told me this when I was about 18. I'm almost 22 now. He elaborated by saying that my personality carries a huge lack of humility. The things I would say or do, in most cases, was very off-putting to a majority of people. I always had a better story after someone finished theirs. I was full of knowledge on any subject, or whatever opinion I had on the matter was always superior and correct. My way of doing things was the best way. I appeared ungrateful, selfish, and pompous. And I had no clue whatsoever.

I'll never forget that conversation and the paradigm shift my brain experienced that day. Once I was aware of this attitude I started thinking about my relationships and the environment I created because of my general assholery and douchebaggedness. I actually sunk into depression for a short time, realizing the way I had treated people and taken them for granted. Over a few years I slowly learned so many things about myself and others. I learned how to listen. To enjoy myself in groups and not need to be the focus of the group. To be compassionate and empathetic. To give advice only when asked, or out of heartfelt concern or genuine worry. To put others first when it counts. To show up. To be a friend instead of a competitor. I've learned many other things from that statement, too many to list.

It's incredible to me how I'm still learning. I think we all are and no one really has it figured out. I know I don't. But I'll never forget how that one small statement had/has a long term effect on me.

The best of Harry Potter fan theories

For those who love Harry Potter, here are two of the fan theories circulating on the internet which are mindblowing and seem shockingly plausible. 

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1. DUMBLEDORE IS DEATH.

In "The Tale of the Three Brothers"—from The Tales of Beedle the Bard, sort of the wizarding world's version of Mother Goose—three unnamed siblings come face to face with the personification of Death, who offers them their choice of gifts. The first brother, convinced of his own superiority, chooses the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in existence; the second brother requests the ability to resurrect loved ones from the dead, made possible by the Resurrection Stone; the third brother, humbly, asks only for Death not to pursue him, and is given the Cloak of Invisibility under which to hide. The three artifacts thus comprised the Deathly Hallows: real magical objects possessed by the Peverell brothers, and sought after for centuries after their deaths.

As if the lines between fact and fiction were not already blurred enough, some readers have astutely noticed parallels between the original brothers and another set of three “brothers”: Harry, Snape, and Voldemort. By their reckoning, Voldemort represents the first brother, lusting for power and seeking possession of the Elder Wand at all costs; Snape is the second brother, driven only by the desire to recapture his lost love; Harry is the third brother, ready to face Death and thus accepted as “an old friend.” 

Moreover, this interpretation posits that there’s a fourth character from whom all the Hallows originate: Death, otherwise known as Dumbledore. The Headmaster is the only one, prior to Harry, to possess each of the Hallows: he presents Harry first with the Cloak, then with the Stone, and is stripped of the Elder Wand by Draco Malfoy, who then loses it in a duel to Harry. He is, however indirectly, responsible for the deaths of both Snape and Voldemort, and when Harry “dies,” who is there to greet him? Dumbledore, welcoming him like an old friend.

2. HARRY IS IMMORTAL.

This theory can be attributed to a level of close reading that would make any college English professor proud. Sybil Trelawney’s prophecy regarding the relationship between Harry and Voldemort, stored deep in the Department of Mysteries due to its potentially world-changing impact, is very particularly worded, with the relevant portion declaring that “either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives.” The obvious interpretation, and the one borne out by the ending of the series, is that Harry is destined to kill or be killed by Voldemort; there is no other way.

There is, however, another way to interpret the prophecy, which Imgur user HPWombat identified: If either Harry or Voldemort must die at the hand of the other, it is conceivable that the one to survive remains immune to death through any other means. Harry vanquished Voldemort, thereby satisfying the condition of the prophecy that indicated he could—but it may be that Harry himself is now effectively immortal. Those familiar with the Greek myth of Tithonus and Eos will immediately recognize the tragedy of such a fate, but there’s an additional twist for Harry: By sacrificing his death, he will never have the opportunity to see his family, even in death. That’s the darkest possible ending by far. 

The importance of marks

Okay so people have been posting a lot about marks and board results in the last few days. They've basically sugar-coated their bullshit and have tried saying things that youngsters would like to hear. Although I do agree with the fact that your marks don't really matter in the end, the way it's being told is downright stupid. 

You obviously don't need good grades if you're talented. But here's the thing - Most of you guys aren't. Your parents/teachers/friends might have told you good things about yourself but most of them are wrong. It takes way more than just talent to make it big. You think your marks don't matter? Tell that to a kid who won't be able to get into his/her dream college. 

Yes there are flaws in the education system but that doesn't change the fact that being an idiot is always unacceptable. Give your best in exams because they do fucking matter. Talent won't get you anywhere if you don't have access to a platform to showcase your thing. Top colleges in India provide you that platform. Getting good grades matter in that context. Not everyone is a talented (lucky?) motherfucker so you need to actually work hard and not listen to some random comedian about what he feels about your grades. 

Algorithms 101

Algorithms that programmers should know 

First start with Linear data structures and algorithms.

·         Arrays

·         Linked List

·         Stack

·         Queues

Then move to basic algorithms:

·         Sorting - Merge Sort, Insertion Sort, Quick Sort, Number of inversions

·         Matrix Multiplication (just know the algo if not implement it)

·         Prime Sieving

·         Modular Math including multiplication and division

·         Euclidean Algorithm for GCD, Modular Inverse, Fast Exponentiation

·         Fibonacci number with matrix multiplication

·         Probability distribution and expected value

·         Stats - Mean, Median, Variance, Bayes theorem

The one can learn some popular algorithmic techniques:

·         Divide and Conquer - Binary Search, Maximum Subarray

·         Greedy Algorithms - Activity Selection, Huffman encoding

·         Dynamic Programming - Matrix Chain Multiplication, Knapsack,

·         Linear Programming - Variable Maximisation, Linear time sorting

·         String Algorithms - Manacher, LCS, Edit Distance

Then comes some typical non-linear data structures:

·         Trees - Binary Tree, General Tree, Lowest Common Ancestor

·         Binary Search Tree - Inorder Traversal, Level order traversal, finding kth largest element, diameter, depth, number of nodes, etc.

·         Heaps - Array Implementation, Heapify, Heap Sort

·         Union Find

·         Hash Table - Linear Probing, Open addressing, Collision avoidance

Then you can learn about Graphs:

·         Adjacency List, Adjacency Matrix, Weighted Edge Graphs

·         Basic Traversal algos - Breadth First Search, Depth First Search, etc

·         Shortest Path Finding Algorithm - Dijkstra, Floyd Warshal, Bellman Ford

·         Minimum Spanning Tree - Kruskal's Algo, Prim's Algo

Advance Tree and Graph :

·         Balanced Trees - AVL, Red-Black

·         Heavy Light Decomposition, B+ Trees, Quad Tree

·         Advance Graph - Min Cut, Max Flow

·         Maximum Matching - Hall's Marriage

·         Hamiltonian Cycle

·         Edge Graphs / Line Graphs

·         Strongly Connected Components

·         Dominant Sub-Graph, Vertex Cover, Travelling Salesman - Approx algos

Advance String Algorithms :

·         Knuth Morris Pratt Algorithm

·         Rabin Karp Algorithm

·         Tries and Compressed Tries

·         Prefix Trees, Suffix Trees, Suffix Automation - Ukkonen Algorithm

Advance Math:

·         Fast Fourier Tranformation

·         Primality Testing

·         Computational Geometry - Closest point pair, Voronoi diagram, Convex Hull

General Advance topics :

·         Iterating through all combination / permutation

·         Bit manipulation

Games for the Logitech G27 steering wheel

I will try to be concise & to the point. I will assume that you are serious and want to become a professional. Even if it isn’t so, I have included a mini-review and intro so you can get a hang of what I am trying to say. The games/simulations that you play depend on various factors like your previous experience, genre, your level of interest etc. I would suggest the following simulations. Choose what you like & play. 
 

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For Novices/First Time Users.

If you are new to cars/driving/stick-shift, you will have to spend some time learning & mastering it. If you just want to simulate driving on the road, try to use the following combination. 

• Euro Truck Simulator 2: A truck simulator based in Europe with good graphics and steering feedback. Useful for mastering clutch/gear operation (for first timers) since you can set the biting point of the clutch. Comes with preset settings for G27 & can be customized to a high level. You can even set the gear ratios yourself. In-Game physics, time dilation & damage is not realistic. Traffic rules are also not implemented very well, with fines and violations being very inconsistent. Good developer support with regular updates. Use this game to get your driving spot on.
• City Car Simulator: A car based sim, which you can use to get the hang of traffic rules, road etiquette and in-city navigation. It doesn’t have great graphics or steering feedback & hence will not be able to provide you a realistic feeling. It will seem very artificial. Game physics are also nothing to speak of and the less said about developer support, the better.

For Amateur Racers/Semi-Simulation

This is where you enter the world of sim-racing. Start with these basic/arcade-ish Sims and move on to higher ones if & when you feel the need. Bear in mind that from here onwards, you have to be precise with your inputs & have some knowledge of racing. You should be familiar with terms like racing line, apex, under-steer, over-steer etc. Most games listed will walk you through the same.

• Need For Speed Shift/Shift 2: NFS Series has been always more about gaming than simulation. That said, Shift/Shift 2 come close to delivering a good track simulation. Has advanced features like helmet cam(camera moves as you go into a turn), better night racing and realistic damage. Physics not very realistic.

• Race Driver GRID/GRID 2/GRID AutoSport: Almost the same as Shift, but has more real world locations, better feedback and fool-proof assists. Note that when you start sim racing, you WILL initially need assists. Graphically better than Shift series. Grid 2 & AutoSport do not have a cockpit view however & this is the biggest dampener. Most of us consider GRID as the best game in the series.

• F1 2013: The best ever semi-simulation of F1 racing till date with awesome graphics, feedback and physics in the semi-simulation genre. Codemasters have done a great job with it. Features all 19 tracks & 22 drivers. But keep in mind that as with real F1, the cars in this sim are very powerful & require good skills if driven without assists. New gamers will find themselves running off track at every corner. You also need to understand F1 rules if you are playing this one at Pro level. Use only after you are done with GRID/Shift 2.

• WRC FIA: World Rally Championship based on rallies around the world. Since no game/simulation can accurately depict rally racing, I am not going to linger too much on this.

Assetto Corsa: This game deserves a genre of its own since it falls into neither of the 2 categories above & below it. It is not too hard but it is definitely not for someone racing casually. The game is evolving right now & its early days to comment on where it’s going to end up. As of now, it will probably fit into the semi-simulation category. Good graphics, and accurate engine simulation. 

Shit Gets Real genre/Professional Level racing

This, my friend, is the real deal. These Sims are used to train newbies and learn tracks. This is the epitome of professional sim racing. A word of caution though: These sims require you to have extreme motivation for racing. If you are casual in your approach, don’t even think of trying it. Really good driving skills & some previous experience with professional track racing help a lot with this.

• iRacing: Mind-blowing simulation with good balance of great visuals, good physics and deep customization. It has laser scanned tracks, meaning that the tracks in the game are accurate to millimeters, with each bump & dip in the same place as in the real track. Professionals such as Jordan Taylor & Travis Pastrana use it for bettering their lap times. Great online community with tournaments held every year by NASCAR itself. Purchase model is not good, since you don’t buy the game all at once. You purchase specific cars & tracks you want to drive.The best option overall, if you want to drive really well.

• rfactor 2: The benchmark in physics for racing simulations. Dynamic tire wear model, proper turbo simulation & accurate engine telemetry.

• Live for Speed: The most accurate engine simulation you can get on a PC with a G27. Clutch overheating, drive-train stress etc. You really have to know how to drive. Details like tire deflation, rubber elasticity, tire wall deformation are calculated.

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I have given my views as a professional sim racer. I have included the best possible simulations for PC+G27 combination & hence the list is a bit too much. It might be that you were on the lookout for just a casual experience. For that, try out the first two genres.

Remember :Racing is an art. And it will get better with more practice.

PS: Google ‘Project C.A.R.S’.

The true face of capitalism

If you want to see the true face of Capitalism, India is a good example.

India (or rather, the Indian ruling class) fully embraced capitalism in 1991, and is now the world's 6th largest exporter of food. In 2003, it exported 17 million tonnes of food - mostly grains that will feed livestock in advanced capitalist economies.

GDP growth increased from 4.7% in 1983 to 7% in 2012 and provided many job opportunities for urban and educated Indians. Privatisation and foreign direct investment helped spread new enterprises and encouraged the growth of the IT sector. Privatisation has also resulted in the development of a private healthcare sector that offers high-quality and world-class health services. A "middle class" has also developed, although how many people are in this group is anyone's guess.

At the same time, India has the largest population of starving and hungry people in the world according to the UN. Food intake levels in 2011/12 were reported to be lower than intake levels from 1983. Utsa Patnaik, an Indian Marxist economist, estimated that food absorption rates declined from 177 Kg per head in 1990 to 151 Kg per head in 2001. This level is comparable to levels experienced in 1947, when India gained independence, representing a setback of over 40 years. One out of every two children in India suffer from malnutrition and stunted growth, and 79% are anaemic.

India also has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the world, higher than Bangladesh and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The majority of Indian people cannot afford privatised healthcare, and the government has reduced its healthcare budget to barely 1% of total Indian GDP. Over 50% of people avoid going to the clinic or hospital because they can't afford it. 2 million Indian children die every year from preventable diseases.

According to Indian government sources, 23% of the Indian population can be classified as middle-to-high-income. The remaining 77% survive on less than $0.15 per day. 93% of the workforce is in the informal sector, and as such have no job security or minimum wage. Agricultural workers are almost entirely informal. In fact, trade liberalisation caused a crisis in the agricultural sector; there have been over 300,000 worker suicides since 1991, mostly caused by mounting debt - a direct result of trade liberalisation.

The richest 10% of the Indian population control 74% of India's wealth; the richest 1% control 49%. Meanwhile, 0.8% of the wealth trickles down to the poorest 20%.

India is continually lauded as a capitalist success story, and in a way it is. The capitalists have been very successful in stealing all of India's wealth and keeping it for themselves, and they have been very successful in oppressing the majority of the population. Capitalism has dispossessed the majority, however. That is the true nature of capitalism, something free market fundamentalists and imperialist pigs conveniently ignore.

Logic behind India driving on the left hand side of the road.

There are 76 countries, territories and dependencies which drive on the left. There are numerous theories as to why some countries drive on the left and some on the right. Though no one knows the exact reasons for sure, it seems likely that travelling on the left of the road became the obvious choice in ancient times. Indeed Roman coins from 50 AD have been found which depict horsemen passing on each other’s right. Horse travel in often violent times is the key to why driving on the left became popular. A horse rider would carry their sword in a scabbard on their left hand side , which they would draw, and use with their right hand. It therefore made sense for the right arm, when wielding the sword to be nearer a potential opponent and further away when in the scabbard. That made travelling on the left the safest and most obvious method.

Also, right handed people generally mount a horse from the animals left, and it would be hard to do otherwise if wearing a sword on the left. Obviously, it’s safer to mount and dismount at the side of the road rather than in the centre, so if a rider mounts on the left it would make sense for the horse to then be ridden on the left.
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A change to the left hand driving trend occurred in the late 1700s. In the USA large wagons pulled by several horses began to be used to transport products. These wagons had no driver’s seat; instead the driver sat on the left rear horse, (called postilion riding) so he could keep his right whip arm free to lash the team. Since he was sitting on the left, the driver has the best view of the distance between his vehicle and oncoming traffic by keeping to the right. Also, the French Revolution of 1789 helped the shift to right-hand travel in Europe. Before the revolution it was customary for the aristocracy to travel on the left of the road and force slower moving peasant traffic over to the right. After the storming of the Bastille, aristocrats adopted a lower profile when travelling and joined the peasants on the right.Later , As Napoleon conquered nations he would force them to adopt driving on the right which spread the right hand trend through Europe .

In spite of the shift to driving on the right, Britain stuck with the left hand driving rule and countries which were part of the British Empire were made to follow suit. This is why India, Australasia and the former British colonies in Africa continue to drive on the left. One exception is Egypt, as that country was conquered by Napoleon before becoming a British dependency. Other colonies also adopted the driving style of their mother country.

Piku: Beyond Relationships

One of the many poignant moments from Piku

With internal assessments just over, my friends and I were looking for a breath of fresh air. And it came in form of Shoojit Sircar’s endearing and pensive drama-comedy ‘Piku’. To be frank, some of us in the gang were planning for Bombay Velvet. And since I don’t like typical Bollywood masala flicks, I decided to go with Piku. And God-oh god, what a sweet surprise it turned out to be. More importantly, it made me reconsider my relationship with my father as well.

Piku is the story of a Delhi-based Bengali family’s hypochondriac, self-centered, part-senile 70 year-old man, Bhaskor Bannerjee (Amitabh Bachchan), with the compulsively chronic condition of constipation and his firm, stubborn, annoyed daughter, Piku Bannerjee (Deepika Padukone) – who frequently quarrel over ‘motion’ issues of the former. t a slice-of-life movie which deals with how a daughter, extremely busy in her work life as an architect, is doubling up as her 70 year old father's babysitter. How she deals with her father's tantrums everyday which involves tackling his arch nemesis - constipation. Both have an unconditional love towards each other, but being stubborn and head-strong as individuals, they have a disagreement on most of the trivial issues with neither of them buckling down.

The film has a very realistic and candid quality, just like Shoojit Sircar’s previous “Vicky Donor. The direction is impeccable. The subtle relationship and mutual feelings that develop between Irrfan and Deepika are very well portrayed and the director has kept this relationship open ended. Kudos for avoiding a conclusion on that relation in a conventional way. You may notice that when the real-estate broker flies in from Kolkata, he has an airline tag on his bag. This shows the attention to detail by Sircar. Words cannot do justice to the performance put up by the cast. Amitabh's portrayal of Bhaskor Banerjee is sincerely endearing and irritating enough to do justice to the character. And to the champion who gets things done easily, nicely and effortlessly- Irrfan Khan. That one scene where he goes to pick the family in the morning when the driver opts to disappear, he sits quiet and Deepika comes out to sit in front seat. You can watch it again and again, no words exchanged but the viewer totally understands and gives a sarcastic laughter. And the surprise package includes the sweet Mausami Chatterjee, with her never get rude attitude and ready to reply character. The good old Raghubir Yadav as the wonderful family homeopathic doctor. Even Jisshu Sengupta as Syed was very apt for his role. However, the scene-stealer is Deepika Padukone, who has really come a long way as an actor, and delivers a neat, matured performance. She’s fire and ice. You’ll fall in love with her. I was reminded of my physics teacher back in school, Moushmi Chatterjee; a lady who could be almost be described as ‘Piku’. The portrayal of the Bengali family as a whole is extremely realistic. And I can tell you this because I have lived in a predominantly Bengali neighborhood in a city with a high population of Bengalis. My teachers in Carmel High were Bengali as well as the local tuitions (Prasanjeet & pramanik, anyone?). Hell, even my first crush, in grade III or IV, was a Bengali. :P

The Background Score by Anupam Roy is fresh and most appealing. For the first time in Bollywood, the songs were more than just noise, they actually meant to give solace, they take you to that world where you just want the lazy journey to continue forever, with people you love, with nothing to worry about. And finally, a few words about the director of photography. Kamaljeet Sir, you deserve an award for representing the cities of Kolkata and Delhi. Having lived in Kolkata for some time, I can assure you that it is one of the best depictions of the city in recent times (Kahaani as well). La Martiniere High, the Howrah Bridge and the ‘Jhaal-Mudi’ – Oh, the nostalgia. Mayer ghat bagbazaar, where I used to sit for hours waiting for a ferry to go across Kolkata.

A very rare release, and very highly recommended. Especially in such times, where every second piece of news we read is negative and heartbreaking. 'Piku' constantly brought a smile on my face for those 2 hours. It showed exactly the way love happens...in phases!!! It builds slowly, in conversations. It is filled with lots of humour which is bound to leave you in splits. It is a very endearing story of a father-daughter relationship and the message stands out strong. Its strong Bengali essence is also brought out very well. It is surely going to tickle your funny bone and one is assured to come out of the theatre with a big satisfied smile on the face. It doesn't matter to which age group you belong, you'll be able to connect with the movie in any manner possible. 

PS: This review will continue in the 2nd part, where I will talk about how it has influenced me and made me reconsider my bond with my father.

The Big Switch

It's one of those things for which you constantly have your leg pulled. Having an old, pre-historic phone, a Blackberry. Yes, for years I had clung to the original smartphone, while the rest of the world moved on. But there comes a time when you have to decide between turning the page and closing the book. With RIM on life support, it was time for me to accept the possibility that there wouldn't be BlackBerry a year from now. And therefore I decided to take the plunge & switch to an Android.


But before we come to that, let me first list out some things which I absolutely loved on my BB: the red indicator light, the physical keyboard, BBM, its Email integration, BIS, security etc. Sadly, the LED has been replicated on most Android phones & does not remain an exclusivity. And my BBM contact list has come down to 3 or 4 people. Most of them have moved on to Whatsapp. The only thing that was keeping me from switching was the physical keyboard. While I could swear by the accuracy & speed of a physical keyboard over a touch-based one, shifting to touch wasn’t much of an issue since I had used a Galaxy Tab 2 for over 2 years. So, that left just the email, BIS and security. As far as security was concerned, android provided a basic level of encryption which was good enough for me. Also, I wouldn't be wrong if I said that Gmail™ has become the de-facto choice for mails today (not considering corporate accounts), and what better ecosystem to handle it than Android itself. And by overlooking these trivial issues, I was getting a great app eco-system (Play Store), an up-to-date OS and a modern looking device, albeit less professional. So, at the end of the day i thought that would be good tradeoff. But it turned out to be not so promising after all.

Incident 1: I was attending an admission tour conducted by Alliance Française de Bangalore on the 26th of October. I have a habit of switching to silent mode before entering gatherings such as this. Selecting ‘All Alerts off’ on a BB does the job. I selected the same no alerts option on my Moto and holstered the phone. Midway through the speech of a certain Dr. Alexandre Durant, the Moto’s alarm started sounding loudly. Turns out that the alarms do not silence themselves even if the ringer is silenced. Now there are 2 things you should know about this tone. One, it’s a highly unprofessional tone. Two, this Moto does not ring incrementally. It goes ballistic all of a sudden. Imagine my plight when Mr. Alexandre actually stopped his speech and waited for me to silence my phone. And I fumbled with the buttons, trying the power/ volume buttons & finally realizing that you had to drag a bloody icon from one end to other just to silence the phone.

Incident 2: I told a friend (whom I didn't want to talk to at that moment) that I had internals & would not be able to chat with her that night. Now I have a cousin sis whom I chat with pretty late at night. The next day, I get a message from my friend, saying that I was active till 0300 and deliberately avoiding her. You see, Whatsapp displays the time and date when a user was last active. Sigh.

Also, Whatsapp does not give the luxury of D (Delivered) and R (read) signs. No, the ticks in Whatsapp don’t stand for D & R. 1 tick stands for ‘Message delivered to server’ and 2 ticks specify ‘message delivered to device’. So, if you've been upset with your boyfriend for not responding to your message despite the two ticks and you are assuming he has read it but is busy flirting with someone else, chances are he has not. While BBM can't tell you if he is indeed cheating on you, it can tell you with certainty that the message has been read and not just delivered. I tried installing BBM on my Moto but it’s too crude and buggy. I saw tick-marks signifying non-delivery even when the recipients confirmed that the message has been received.

Other issues: The fluidity of the BB OS is not present in an Android. To make a call, I would unlock my BB, directly type the name of the contact and press the Call button. With Android, I need to Unlock, open the dialer, tap the search bar, wait for the virtual keyboard to appear, type the name of the contact, and tap on the search result to make a call. Yes, this is how difficult it is.

All in all, not a good experience. Old habits die hard. Maybe I was better off with my BB.

The Empty Nest

Moving to college was probably the biggest thing I had been looking forward to for the past two years. I spent my entire high school years wishing that I could be away from my parents, unhindered, the way I wanted myself to be. While preparing myself to go to college was probably one of the most exciting times of my life, it was bittersweet since it meant saying goodbye to my home; simultaneously preparing for this huge next phase in my life, which, I can tell you for certain, contained some of my worst and loneliest moments.

The weight of my solitude didn’t settle completely until the exact moment I left my house. As the door of the car was held open by my younger brother, I threw a longing glance back at my home. I then sank into the rear seat. Then immediately, the cars drove out, with another car carrying my mom and aunt following us. I had left Jamshedpur earlier, sometimes even for long periods, knowing that I would probably return within a week or two. But there was something different this time. This time it felt much more difficult, painful and tragic.

Jamshedpur doesn’t have an airport, so I had to go to Ranchi to catch a flight. My parents, due to time constraints, couldn't accompany me all the way. So they dropped me at the station, where I was supposed to catch the train to Ranchi. Frankly, at that moment I even thought that this was better since it would save me a lot of emotional drama at the airport. I was wrong, dead wrong. My dad, who I was very close with, said:

Come on beta, give me a hug. Pata nahin kab mil payunga…Translation: Come on Son, give me a hug. Who knows when we may meet again?

He broke off after that & for the first time in my life I saw his eyes welled up with tears. I hugged him but somehow controlled my tears, since I was young and had to maintain my image of being a ‘tough guy’. The train suddenly whistled. A part of my mind told me to jump back on to the platform. And the other, silently whispered “It’s over, my friend. It's over”.

When you are away from your parents for the first time, you will discover exactly what and how much they have done for you, no matter what you think about them now. I assure you. No matter how unsteady your relationship with your parents is, that first night you are alone, there will be a pain in your chest, a pain so heavy and miserable that you'll be tempted to tear your heart out. For some, this may be difficult to believe. It will sound stale and clichéd because so many people have already told you this. You've convinced yourself, you won't be like that. You won't long for your parents once you’re out of their grasp. But believe me, you are wrong.

The first night I was on my own, I wasn't as happy as I expected myself to be. My heart literally cried even if I kept teardrops from falling. At one point I was arranging groceries in my larder, when I clumsily dropped a gallon of oil on the floor. I spent an hour scrubbing oil from the tile. That was the last straw. I slumped onto the floor and cried my heart out.

I had been looking forward to this moment my entire high school life. I had been waiting for the day I would have no one nagging at me to clean my room, and no one forcing me to eat veggies when I had clearly declared myself to be a pure non-vegetarian. No one bursting into my room without knocking and no one getting angry with me for talking back. 

And when that day came, I felt downright miserable. I cursed myself for not being able to crack JEE with a good rank, which would have allowed me to study in my hometown. For the first time, I was alone. For the first time, I would have given anything up just to hear my mom yelling at me to drink water. I would have given up anything to hear my dad reprimand me from driving too fast, staying too late or out too long.


It took me a while to realize the fact that it would be a while before I would have anyone at all.

PS: It's been a year since and I have coped up with it, partly due to some close relatives being here. But something happened today which forced me to write this blog. To be continued...