Moving to college was probably the biggest thing I had been looking forward to for the past two years. I spent my entire high school years wishing that I could be away from my parents, unhindered, the way I wanted myself to be. While preparing myself to go to college was probably one of the most exciting times of my life, it was bittersweet since it meant saying goodbye to my home; simultaneously preparing for this huge next phase in my life, which, I can tell you for certain, contained some of my worst and loneliest moments.
The weight of my solitude didn’t settle completely until the exact moment I left my house. As the door of the car was held open by my younger brother, I threw a longing glance back at my home. I then sank into the rear seat. Then immediately, the cars drove out, with another car carrying my mom and aunt following us. I had left Jamshedpur earlier, sometimes even for long periods, knowing that I would probably return within a week or two. But there was something different this time. This time it felt much more difficult, painful and tragic.
Jamshedpur doesn’t have an airport, so I had to go to Ranchi to catch a flight. My parents, due to time constraints, couldn't accompany me all the way. So they dropped me at the station, where I was supposed to catch the train to Ranchi. Frankly, at that moment I even thought that this was better since it would save me a lot of emotional drama at the airport. I was wrong, dead wrong. My dad, who I was very close with, said:
He broke off after that & for the first time in my life I saw his eyes welled up with tears. I hugged him but somehow controlled my tears, since I was young and had to maintain my image of being a ‘tough guy’. The train suddenly whistled. A part of my mind told me to jump back on to the platform. And the other, silently whispered “It’s over, my friend. It's over”.
When you are away from your parents for the first time, you will discover exactly what and how much they have done for you, no matter what you think about them now. I assure you. No matter how unsteady your relationship with your parents is, that first night you are alone, there will be a pain in your chest, a pain so heavy and miserable that you'll be tempted to tear your heart out. For some, this may be difficult to believe. It will sound stale and clichéd because so many people have already told you this. You've convinced yourself, you won't be like that. You won't long for your parents once you’re out of their grasp. But believe me, you are wrong.
The first night I was on my own, I wasn't as happy as I expected myself to be. My heart literally cried even if I kept teardrops from falling. At one point I was arranging groceries in my larder, when I clumsily dropped a gallon of oil on the floor. I spent an hour scrubbing oil from the tile. That was the last straw. I slumped onto the floor and cried my heart out.
I had been looking forward to this moment my entire high school life. I had been waiting for the day I would have no one nagging at me to clean my room, and no one forcing me to eat veggies when I had clearly declared myself to be a pure non-vegetarian. No one bursting into my room without knocking and no one getting angry with me for talking back.
The weight of my solitude didn’t settle completely until the exact moment I left my house. As the door of the car was held open by my younger brother, I threw a longing glance back at my home. I then sank into the rear seat. Then immediately, the cars drove out, with another car carrying my mom and aunt following us. I had left Jamshedpur earlier, sometimes even for long periods, knowing that I would probably return within a week or two. But there was something different this time. This time it felt much more difficult, painful and tragic.
Jamshedpur doesn’t have an airport, so I had to go to Ranchi to catch a flight. My parents, due to time constraints, couldn't accompany me all the way. So they dropped me at the station, where I was supposed to catch the train to Ranchi. Frankly, at that moment I even thought that this was better since it would save me a lot of emotional drama at the airport. I was wrong, dead wrong. My dad, who I was very close with, said:
Come on beta, give me a hug. Pata nahin kab mil payunga…Translation: Come on Son, give me a hug. Who knows when we may meet again?
He broke off after that & for the first time in my life I saw his eyes welled up with tears. I hugged him but somehow controlled my tears, since I was young and had to maintain my image of being a ‘tough guy’. The train suddenly whistled. A part of my mind told me to jump back on to the platform. And the other, silently whispered “It’s over, my friend. It's over”.
When you are away from your parents for the first time, you will discover exactly what and how much they have done for you, no matter what you think about them now. I assure you. No matter how unsteady your relationship with your parents is, that first night you are alone, there will be a pain in your chest, a pain so heavy and miserable that you'll be tempted to tear your heart out. For some, this may be difficult to believe. It will sound stale and clichéd because so many people have already told you this. You've convinced yourself, you won't be like that. You won't long for your parents once you’re out of their grasp. But believe me, you are wrong.
The first night I was on my own, I wasn't as happy as I expected myself to be. My heart literally cried even if I kept teardrops from falling. At one point I was arranging groceries in my larder, when I clumsily dropped a gallon of oil on the floor. I spent an hour scrubbing oil from the tile. That was the last straw. I slumped onto the floor and cried my heart out.
I had been looking forward to this moment my entire high school life. I had been waiting for the day I would have no one nagging at me to clean my room, and no one forcing me to eat veggies when I had clearly declared myself to be a pure non-vegetarian. No one bursting into my room without knocking and no one getting angry with me for talking back.
And when that day came, I felt downright miserable. I cursed myself for not being able to crack JEE with a good rank, which would have allowed me to study in my hometown. For the first time, I was alone. For the first time, I would have given anything up just to hear my mom yelling at me to drink water. I would have given up anything to hear my dad reprimand me from driving too fast, staying too late or out too long.
It took me a while to realize the fact that it would be a while before I would have anyone at all.
It took me a while to realize the fact that it would be a while before I would have anyone at all.
PS: It's been a year since and I have coped up with it, partly due to some close relatives being here. But something happened today which forced me to write this blog. To be continued...
